Why my bicycle is better than yours: An article for Bicycle Annually by Ridethedell.

You may think you have a very nice bicycle; your bicycle may, in fact, be quite adequate - for you. 

But well-informed, historically knowledgeable, experienced and discerning riders would certainly agree that, when it comes to intrinsic value and inherent worth, my bike is better than yours.

Please allow me to educate you as to why.

In the time it took to press the shutter and capture the image, the bicycle sproinged ahead leaving only this shadow.

Frame Design -

The design of my frame has its origins in the crucible of world history. Through trial and error, this design arose from an inspired creation that European artisans refined over time based on real world testing on authentic cobbled streets, mountain ascents and multiple continent crossings. 

Modern American ingenuity then used the lessons from its 100 year history to re-imagine and re-boot the pure essence of the design and to fine tune its minimalist crystalline structure  that - not unlike a spider’s web - balances strength and utility. 

This frame design is capable of self-righting when in operation - with minimal energy input- it will compensate for lateral forces by re-positioning the front wheel to reestablish the forward movement of the bicycle. This frame design is so perfect that it has been given the name of the ultimate gem, the Diamond.

But a frame design is just an idea and one cannot ride an idea. That design must be given form and substance to complete the experience. My bike does so through its unique frame material and specially selected components:

 

Frame Material

Like a tree has a trunk, the frame of my bicycle gives it its shape and form. The material used for my frame literally changed the world. It was used to make samurai swords and to build skyscrapers. An age, in fact an epoch, was named for it. It is synonymous with strength and virtue. It the stuff of superheroes. It is steel! 

But this is not just pipe steel! This steel has been refined with the perfect mix of molybendium, unobtainium and other secret materials. The tubes have been drawn in thicknesses so perfect that they ring like an instrument when flicked with a finger. The tubes have been joined with precision craftsmanship honed by thousands of hours of love’s labor. The quality of the joinery is invisible to the naked eye yet sub-sensibly perceptible. What one can see are the sensuous lugs detailed in micrometers of precision that harken back to the architectural detail of the height of the era of accentual design.

The Ride

If you are a typical pedal masher who rides like a peasant stomping grapes, this quality may be lost on you but, when ridden by a cyclist well versed in the style, nay the art, of pedaling that the French call "souplesse," this bicycle’s frame design and metal subtly flex in a state of harmonic tension that concentrates the downward pedal stroke energy of the rider and returns it on the upswing with an increase of .001% in energy return. The bike actually works with the rider to create a forward energy unmatched by any other bicycle. I call this process of synergistic energy transfer "sproinging" or “splaining.” This bike does not disappear beneath the rider: it gives life!

Contact Points: 

One does not ride a frame alone, the contact points of a bicycle provide the interface of man and machine. The frame may provide the performance but the contact points provide the luxury. Let us now look at the luxurious details.

Seat

My bicycle seat is made from the leather of grass fed, pasture raised, humanely treated, un-castrated bulls who died peacefully surrounded by friends and with good views of preserved farmland. That leather was then steeped in a combination of locally sourced oils, exotic nature-based preservatives and medicinal teas and herbs, until it acquired a deep, glossy, water-resistant shine. 

The seat, when new and unbroken, had only a hint of its future magnificence. With use,  time and regular deep kneading massages with proprietary lubricants warmed to body temperature, the leather molded itself to custom fit the contours of my person. That process also created a finish so nuanced in appearance that when not in use, it is kept out of rain and direct sunlight so as to preserve its patina and its holistic healing properties.

 Handlebars 

My handlebars are wrapped in braided leather like the handle of a Spanish whip from the age of conquest. The heat tempered alloy is shaped into a bend mastered by ancient Japanese craftsmen from the house of Nitto. The ergonomic perfection of its shape not only prevents hand numbness, it improves your calligraphy.  

Tires: 

While we contact the bike through seat and handlebar, we touch the world through our tires. My tires provide a pneumatically adjustable cushion through a scientifically derived shape and circumference that maximizes the use of the air inside while reducing unnecessary weight. They resist punctures from all but the pointiest and sharpest of objects. The Kelvar shielded sidewalls may, or may not, be bulletproof. Plus, since the tires are two tone - Egyptian sandstone and Gabon ebony - they also possess a wonderful aesthetic quality that makes changing the occasional flat just another opportunity to marvel at their classic beauty in detail.

Drivetrain

My Japanese crankset is so fancy, people argue about how to pronounce its name. Is the "G" hard or soft? Who knows? You just need to know it is very shiny and has a crown. It also has the perfect "Q" factor, which you must certainly know refers to the completely objective distance your feet have to be from each other in order to pedal with maximum efficiency. Any other distance and one risks unspeakable awkwardness and inexplicable contractions.

The chain is German and and the cassette is Japanese. This is a proven effective combination of mechanism and ability that history has shown takes a collective of nations and/or a nuclear bomb to stop its forward progress.  

Accessories

The accessories are the finishing touch. Minimal and tasteful, they add value without sacrificing utility. They are the lipstick on the Mona Lisa, the crown on the Queen.   

I use semi-custom hand crafted bags made by a Portland Oregon cyclist in a green, community based, woman owned shop that pays fair wages and takes bike adventure vacations. The bags are her colorful take on a traditional French Randonneur design which allows one to use the bag while riding and which works with the wind to streamline the rider and bike thus almost offsetting any weight penalty caused by carrying items in the bag.

My fenders are made from German chromoplastic which sandwiches metal and plastic to create a light and graceful fender that protects the bike and rider from the elements in timelessly fashionable utility. These fenders are not only waterproof, they are water blocking.

My bell is made of polished Japanese copper and is tuned to ring like a bell from a Buddhist monastery. As a result, when I sound it to alert people of my presence, they are not only thankful for the opportunity to stand aside for my bicycle to pass, they are spiritually enlightened by the experience.

 As you now have been.  Ding ding.

Disclaimer: I may have a financial interest in the products that I described with great accuracy in this article.